Should I really just end it here, like seriously?

So Im at a point in my life where I feel like a legitimate freak, thoughts of suicide are running laps in my head like an Olympic Track Meet. Im convinced that from the day I was born, someone has bestowed a horrible curse upon me that I can NOT get rid of. I have a sports/jock fetish, I love the thought of being roughed up or dog piled by jocks (muscular men), however they must wear crew socks for me to be turned on. I love the sounds of grunting,smell of BO etc. It is THE ONLY Thing that has ever gotten me HARD. I've tried to exercise this fetish several times (granted, I was never attracted to the other person) but when your this demented, you can't be picky. The moment something sexual comes up, Im TURNED OFF. The sight of penis or anything that is blatantly erotic is a turn off, however the rough play/gear makes me hard as a rock. Something must be wrong with me, because NOT EVEN ESCORTS (Men who have sex and do almost anything for money) want to help explore my fetish, which leaves me stuck. I WISH I WAS a normal gay or bi person because then I wouldn't be alone,I'd have tons of support from the internet as well as other places. However many people seem to be weirded out by how I have this fetish and attraction to gear/jocks, yet not have a sexual desire. Im legitimately at a point where I want to kill myself. Im the only person on earth like this and the isolation is getting more and more painful. When I type in things like "dog pile fetish"on google...not even the search engine knows what Im talking about. Im 21 and I honestly feel like my life is worthless. I feel like a freak, about a year ago is when I began making strides to explore this fetish, I signed up, and basically exploited myself on several sites and got no luck. People seem to not even want to help me even if I offer them money. Im sorry that Im not looking for sex, I can't help what I am and Im not turned on by. All I ever wanted was a 1/2 decent guy(s) who would engage in some of this activity with me, however anyone Im attracted to, doesn't want to, not even the online escorts. Please people, be honest with me, is it really worth it?...living like this?...or should I give my spot someone else. I feel like a freak and a waste of youth and if things aren't going to get better, than whats the point at all?..why even go on?